June 6

A year ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer. My own personal D Day.

I am alive, and I am winning this war against cancer.

I went through oncofertility and have 8 embryos waiting till my health and doctors allow it. It took two surgeries and a trip to the ER, but cancer didn't win.

I went through six rounds of horrible TCHP chemo, July - October 2014, which gave me horrible nausea for 10 days, diarrhea for 15, fatigue all the way through, eventual chemo induced peripheral neuropathy, a bizarre eye twitch, a perpetually runny nose, and the occasional rash. I lost my hair, my eyebrows and lashes, (temporarily) my period, my strength, my routine, my social life, significant involvement in my job as a lawyer, and I  had to take a complete leave of absence coaching CrossFit, which I love. I lost 23 lbs, 13 of which was muscle, and then gained it all back plus 20 lbs, after going through chemo- and then drug-induced menopause three times, violent hot flashes included. Sweating in a wig is not fun, but cancer didn't win.

I had surgery on November 18th. Two excisions to get clean margins. Happily, my lymph node was clear too.  But, the scar.  Eventually, mild lymphedema of the breast. I will never be able to have my blood pressure taken or a needle stick on my right arm, but these breasts are mine. Not plastic. And I still look good in a tank top or bathing suit. Cancer didn't win. 

Radiation. 6 weeks, Dec thru January 17. Every week day, including Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. (I got the actual days off.) Honestly, this was the most stressful and barbaric part of it all. The techs and doctors were great, but you lose a sense of your own personhood every time you lie there like a piece of meat and let your body be nuked, not knowing when or if your skin will start to burn and peel, potentially never to be normal or even close. Worrying that if you take too deep of a breath, that you'll damage healthy tissue unnecessarily. That years from now, the radiation effects will still be lingering, and you'll feel pain and still not be able to put your arm all the way overhead. Every day, bad traffic is more than just traffic - it might be what prevents you from making the appointment that is at the same time, not so bad physically, mentally torture, and medically saving your life. Radiation made me so tired afterwards that once, I was so tired after putting dinner in the microwave, I had to lie down on my kitchen floor and rest in front of the microwave before I had the energy to get up, take dinner out of the microwave and even eat. Still, I never missed a day of radiation. Perfect attendance. Cancer didn't win. 

Now, I am in a clinical trial, the Katherine Trial, for more chemo, called TDM1 aka Kadcyla, which has already been approved for Stage 3 &  4 patients.  It includes Herceptin, which I would have gotten as standard of care, but TDM1 takes Herceptin and adds a molecule of old school chemo that had such terrible side effects that they stopped using it.  Added to Herceptin, it turns into smart bomb chemo. I am nauseous, headachey, and fatigued for three days after my infusion every three weeks, but I get to keep my hair. I have to go through the end of September, but I am making. Cancer is not going win. 

I have started hormonal therapy. Zoladex, which is like getting shot with a pellet gun to jam essentially a Tic Tac under my skin. Every 4 weeks for the next 10 years. My ovaries refuse to quit, so we're figuring that out, but an aromatase inhibitor is next. For 10 years. But, this is just what I have to do. I won't let cancer win. 

I am slowly getting my life back. Doing great stuff at work, back to coaching, and exercise. It's not the way it was before. And it will never be, but I am working on my new normal and making it great. Winning my battles, winning this war.