Quick update

I had a wonderful weekend with the CrossFit community! I have a ton of awesome pictures, coming soon unless you saw them already on FB or Insta. Coming!

I had a busy start to the week with appointments and work, so hardly a moment to breathe. I felt like a space cadet today not being able to think about anything but tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I have round 5 of chemo, assuming my liver cooperates and the platelets are ok. I am filled with both hope and dread. I have lots of questions for the oncologist tomorrow.

SuperFit Athlete of the Month!

SuperFit decided to feature me as their Athlete of the Month for October. I am really touched by it and how well the video turned out. Hopefully some other people will feel heartened by it, and if it encourages them to get moving, be more healthy or to try CrossFit, then I am so glad. I mean seriously, if I can do this during chemo, it proves CrossFit is infinitely scalable and anyone can do it. (Having a little trouble with the embed html but here is a link till I get it fixed.)

This weekend I will be joining some good friends in the Capital Throwdown, a team competition, in the scaled division. I know I have to be a bit gentler with myself since chemo is right around the corner, but I am really looking forward to it! We are Team #FightLikeaGirl - can't wait!

Peripheral neuropathy; plastic surgery consult

Yesterday I began feeling better. Still had the appetite of a sabertooth tiger, but had more energy, less of a headache, and stopped feeling feverish (but not actually feverish). Saw and heard from some very dear old friends, which was wonderful.

Acupuncture last night was pretty intense. I started taking Cymbalta because there is a June 2014 study that suggests it may have a protective effect against peripheral neuropathy, rather than just masking the pain. The acupuncture actually kind of made my nerves hurt, which it never has before. Like feeling the underlying peripheral neuropathy emerging from a drug veiled fog.

I wonder whether the Cymbalta is doing more masking than I thought. I went back and forth on whether to take it at all. I don't take ibuprofen before I work out; I want to know if I am doing something injurious. I would rather not take any drugs, given a choice. There are other drugs they can give you that just mask the neuropathy pain, but they haven't been shown to have any protective effect. The protective effect was really why I decided to take it at all. It is more commonly prescribed for depression. Oh well. I am on it as of 9/15. My onc said it would take a few weeks to build up the effects of the medicine, so maybe it just isn't at full strength yet. In less than a month, I will have my last round of the horrible cocktail, so I only need it for a little while longer!

I am already thinking about how to get myself weaned off all these drugs and figure out how to get my endocrinology and metabolism repaired. It's an ongoing research project. I certainly don't want to go back to the chemistry I had before, because whatever mix of lifestyle, environment, and natural body chemistry I had got me cancer. I would be foolish to think that following the same formula after treatment would result in anything different than a cancer recurrence. The recipe has to change, but I don't know enough yet to feel like I will be different enough. If you know any endocrinologists with a cancer prevention/antirecurrence focus, let me know!

Today turned into quite the adventure. I had my plastic surgeon consult for reconstruction options. On my way driving there, some guy came into my lane. I swerved to avoid him and clipped the curb on a curve. Two flat tires and a bent wheel. I was able to pull on to a side street right away and assess the damage. It happened so fast I didn't even have time to honk. He didn't stop. Luckily, I was within eyesight of a gas station with a service garage. I walked there and they said I could drive it in slowly. $600 and a day later, it will be fixed. A random stranger drove me to my doctor appointment. I was only 10 minutes late, but by the time I got all my paperwork filled out, they were having to squeeze me in the schedule a bit.

The plastic surgeon was brilliant and personable. I didn't realize that normally she is not involved in a simple lumpectomy. She kind of was like, why are you here, but in the nicest way possible. We talked about reconstruction anyway.

Sometimes, during a lumpectomy, surgeons will move or rearrange tissue to achieve a good cosmetic result right then. The benefit is that you are not fighting any swelling or dealing with tightened skin from radiation, and you know exactly how much tissue came out so it is easy to assess how much should be replaced. Sounds lovely, right? Problem is that the pathology results, which take several days if done the best way, will not be known while you are on the operating table, and the mishmash of breast tissue afterwards means that instead of a slightly bigger lumpectomy as a second surgery, your only option is then a mastectomy. So no, we will not be doing that. Any reconstruction, if required, will be done as a second surgery. Unfortunately, if required, it would need to be much later. A year after radiation ends.

Radiation can result in shrinkage of the irradiated breast. The plastic surgeon said that in her experience, the larger the cavity of the lumpectomy, the more shrinking. Very fatty tissue can shrink more too.  In addition, the tissue tends to pull in the direction of the cavity, but the degree cannot be predicted.  Based on where mine is and the anticipated size, I might not have very much to deal with. And since I am slightly larger on that side, there is a possibility I could end up more even after this. I will take that with no complaints.

If the shrinkage were more significant, the way would achieve symmetry is not through fat grafting of that breast, rather through a reduction (lollipop lift or anchor, depending on how big) of the other healthy breast. Not awesome, but I have options. Radiation tends to freeze the breast in time too. As natural aging causes the healthy breast to grow/sag over time, the reduction and lift of the healthy breast would be my option at that time.

Radiation tends to be really great for evening out the scar, so I should not have to worry about that, unless I have a second surgery on that breast.

In the event that the resection or shrinking causes the nipple placement to go all weird, they also have ways to fix that, basically different ways of cutting the nipple out and rearranging it. The irradiated skin is much tighter and difficult to work with, but it can be done. Every surgery leaves a scar, but if I want it, I can deal.

I did mention Brava and the Miami Breast Center. She said he was the best at that, and others had trouble recreating his work. Because it would require a lot of fat though, she thought it might take a lot longer and not be as satisfactory as I wanted. Some portion of all fat grafts die, and the dead fat cells can calcify which can be perceived as a lump. Terrifying false positive potential there. Not interested.

In the event that I have positive margins (meaning, cancer is microscopically present on the edge of what the surgeon takes out), then I go back to surgery again. The question there will be bigger lumpectomy or mastectomy. Ugghh. Cross that bridge if it comes. If cancer recurs, it most likely will be in the same spot, but you can only get radiation in the same spot once (w very rare exceptions), so only a mastectomy would be an option then. Hope that bridge NEVER comes.

In all, my plastic surgeon said that maybe why my onco surgeon sent me is just in case we have to go back. Generally, it is easier to see what to do when you have seen the original. She will be in the next OR, and she said she could come over and check things out and that she would talk to my oncology surgeon about the game plan for me. It may also depend on post chemo imaging, which if are not offered I think I will insist on.

After the doctor appointment wrapped, I walked what should have been 0.8 mi to metro. People volunteered to drive me and help, but I thought I would get there faster by walking. My cell phone and blackberry died on the way there. I made a wrong turn and walked a half mile out of the way before I figured it out and turned around. I managed to get to work, finally, around 2:45pm. Metro home was easy, except for the blister on my foot!

Quite the day, but I was calm and I handled it. I am really feeling good about the game plan. Still a bit concerned about what is going on with the tumor right now, but at least the plan is going to be great!

Tired, but mostly hanging in!

I feel like a 90 year old woman with an insane hangover. Whew, this weekend was fun, but I maybe overdid it. Either that or the dexamethasone I took till Saturday is causing some withdrawal issues. I don't know. It is 20x stronger than prednisone. I have been craving protein and water like crazy. I had a half pound of meatloaf and a protein shake last night, whey smoothie this morning, bulgogi for lunch, and another half pound of meatloaf for dinner tonight with a bit of fruit.  I still could inhale a chicken if it was set before me. I feel like something is wrong, bad wrong, with my chemistry, but I don't know what could be done to fix it. The tumor site hurts and feels warm, as does a spot under my collar bone. I worry cancer is growing again. I have been getting weird miniboils for a week. And, now I am bone tired. I almost didn't go to work today, and I struggled to be productive at all while there. Hopefully, sleep cures most things. It is 8:30pm and I am going to bed!

Gameplan for tomorrow: hugs, smiles, warm fuzzy feelings, and hope.

Thank you, CrossFit Balance and Balance Gym

I feel so incredibly loved right now. Thank you to CrossFit Balance, Balance Gym, and my broader fitness community for such an outpouring of support today. We did a "Team Grace" or 150 clean and jerks for time, video here. It was amazing to be reminded of how special this fitness family is! I cannot tell you how much it lifted my spirits to see so many of you, and I am so grateful for your support. What a fun and special day! Thanks to Danielle Dionne and all the Balance coaches for putting together a workout I will never forget. To Antwon, for being our resident photog, with full snaps here  (what a good looking bunch!). To Megan Davey and birthday girl Andrea Ferry for totally rocking the workout and helping carry the load. To my Yamasaki's, thanks for coming to train off the mats! To each and every person who came or sent their support, THANK YOU. It really means so much to me. #balancelife

Feeling incredibly blessed and grateful

I was wildly productive today. Lots of good things happened. Digestive issues are back (though maybe it was the salad bar?), and I am running a teeny mild fever at 99.7 with flushing, but today was just so good I couldn't be bothered with feeling bad. Mostly, I just felt incredibly, overwhelmingly blessed and grateful.

I signed over and mailed a $2015 check from insurance for a bill for $6871, but negotiated so they agreed to take just the insurance check as payment in full. That felt AWESOME. What a relief. There are still more bills that come in every day, but we have now hit our catastrophic cap on both Blue Cross and Tricare for eligible expenses, so hopefully it will be a little less crazy, at least till we start over again Dec. 31. That's when we get to work hitting catastrophic caps again for 2015, which is expected quickly with all my treatment.

I feel really lucky to have the insurance coverage I do, even though being sick seems unfairly expensive at all.  I am incredibly grateful for Josh's military Tricare insurance as secondary. I also feel lucky to be a federal employee and to have been so healthy earlier in my career. We don't get short term disability as feds, so accumulated sick leave is all I have. Since my journey began, I have used 209 hours of sick leave. Granted, I earned it, but I also am now lucky enough to have it to use. I ran the numbers today. Right now it looks like I will have enough sick leave and/or annual (vacation) leave to get through all this over the next year, fingers crossed for no more complications.

We are keeping crazy records for taxes and now have a separate bank account for medical expenses only to help keep things straight. It has been a ton to organize and pursue, but I feel like I can see a way through. I'm still waiting on getting reimbursed for various things, from wigs to medicine, which we had to pay out of pocket, but a lot of the paperwork is now in. I have a mountain of receipts that I got organized this evening, and I am sending it in tomorrow to close out the flexible spending account tomorrow for the year. Especially with having to take a leave of absence from CrossFit coaching, we are stretching and cutting, but making it work.

There are lots of other odds and ends as well as other positive sources of support coming in. Before all this, I often made charitable donations to various causes, races, friends' events, schools and charities, sometimes at random and sometimes because I had a personal connection. It was just something I did and hoped that helped. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't realize it could be a big deal, especially emotionally.  I also never thought I would have reason to be a beneficiary. My, how that has changed.

My wonderful family in fitness and health at Balance Gym and CrossFit Balance is hosting this fundraising workout event for me on Sunday. I am so excited to see folks and say hello. The best part of Balance is that it's just a way of helping show they care. I am super pumped to be well enough at this point in my chemo cycle to go. I feel loved already.

A Balance friend also put me in touch with a local charity, the Chris Delinski Memorial Cancer Fund, which has also agreed to provide support.

My sweet cousin in law Taylor is fundraising in Knoxville for me as part of Race for the Cure October 18. (She is also a Simply Aroma consultant, so if you feel like upping your organic, centered, health quotient, check out her store here.)

Earlier, Walgreens actually donated all the drugs for my oncofertility process. Didn't make the procedure overall free/cheap, but it really did help a huge amount. I love the American Cancer Society Look Good Feel Better products. I would be at a total loss without that critical, donated eyebrow pencil! Also, once a month, Merry Maids comes to help clean our house. A jiujitsu buddy of Josh's came by to cook breakfast on a weekend, and another dear friend dropped everything one day when the dogs decided to take an unescorted adventure around the neighborhood as rush hour traffic started picking up. Just a few examples. I don't always know what I need, but I know I couldn't do it all by myself. Every bit of help and support, physical, financial, emotional, and positive vibe into the ether helps. People are so good. How did I not see this so clearly before?

Learning to ask for help and even letting people know when things are rough has been an incredible change for me. I have had to let myself be humbled and vulnerable in ways I thought I never could allow. I used to think that if I didn't plan it, control it, and do it myself, I would fail, and fail alone, probably with the judgment of others on top. And maybe I would have still ended up like that, if this journey hadn't been an opportunity to radically change my way of being, one that I am still growing into. But, I like where things are headed.

Rather than falling, people have only lifted me up in whatever beautiful way a given moment might allow. Today, my heart feels stronger than it ever has, even though my body is still a bit weak and struggling. I haven't hit rock bottom. I am going to be ok, not because of me or the way I planned things out or how I tried to control things, but because other people lifted me up and made me better.

THANK YOU.

(I actually have even more good news from the radiation oncologist, but I am going to try to do that "slow down" thing and go to bed. More tomorrow!)

In today's photo, Emma says hi from under the morning's blankets. It is starting to be cold enough at night that maybe we will switch on heat soon. I love fall weather though, and I love that she climbs in to be inside spoon!

Finally slept well, ate well, good acupuncture

Feeling better today after a good night's sleep, finally! It's been almost 10 days since I felt refreshed waking up. Ate well (cafe lunch from today pictured below) and got things done, but moved slow and didn't rush. Acupuncture tonight was really restorative. My guy thinks I would enjoy Tai Chi, so I may look into that. Tried out some meditation apps for Android but don't have a favorite yet. Many texts and hi's from friends and family. Super helpful. I am starting to feel pretty centered again. Things are working out. Who knows, I might like this simple, more accepting approach to life better anyway! Grateful for the opportunity to grow and also be supported on this journey.

Rest & recalibration

This weekend I paused to rebalance, turn inward, and really just meditate on the lessons of this past round of chemo and how I want my life to be. I don't have all the answers, but I feel like I am on the right path.

First, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am. I have so much to be hopeful for that is good news... the chemo is working! Really friggin well! The volume of tissue my surgeon believes will have to be removed was what I was told (by more than one surgeon) in the very beginning that would be the smallest I could hope for at the end. My oncologist thinks we are still on a good trajectory for a complete pathological response, though nothing is guaranteed. I have a tentative surgery date on Tuesday, Nov. 11, Veterans Day and a Federal Holiday. I was also able to cross the mastectomy off the list, since hearing the BRAVA and full fat grafting apparently doesn't turn out so lovely all the time. I have appointments with the plastic surgeon and two radiologists to figure the last bits out. I am back in with my original acupuncturist, and I really do believe his knowledge and skill is worth the extra effort of going there versus elsewhere. My medical team is smart, caring, well prepared, and they are doing a really good job. I feel like I owe my medical oncologist and her team special kudos since they have been doing the hard work in this business up till now. Shy of not having cancer, or having a complete pathological response already (unheard of), things in terms of getting rid of this cancer could not be going better.

I remain worried about the liver, platelets and neuropathy, but I can do stuff different to help that. I will rest, drink water, go to acupuncture, and meditate. Instead of a turbo charged "go-go-go-do-do-do," because that is what I like, am accustomed to, and am good at; I will try to just "go-go... do-do."

30% of patients experience a delay in chemo treatment- I didn't have that, I just had a reduction in one drug. After each treatment, to me, it feels to me like being repeatedly stabbed in my chest as those tumor cells die. I don't feel quite the same pain this round, but there is still a tightening, quivering, and shuddering that makes me feel like it is still doing something. I will take it. I have been having annoying eye twitches and painful extended foot cramps, but only nausea and no vomiting or other digestive horrors. I am exhausted, but also moving. I went to work, and granted, I got in bed right when I got home, but I still went and am still doing stuff. I want to be back on track for full doses on schedule for the next round, Oct. 1! That will be round 5/6 of the Horrible Cocktail, with that last one on Oct. 22. I will be done with chemo before my 33rd birthday on Nov. 2.

The wake up call from this past round was that being the old me is bad for my health... and I have to figure out a totally new way to live. All the crazy things I am really good at (pushing through, overcoming, denying the costs) might well be what got me sick in the first place. I am grateful to be learning this lesson now, rather than going back to old ways and waiting for news of a recurrence years from now.

I don't think we know exactly what causes cancer, but I do believe that cancer is caused. Whatever combination of things that led me to this point in my life, those conditions simply must change if I realistically want to live healthfully and without recurrence for the next 50/60/70+ years.

Normally, I crush my problems. I assault them with effort. I am exceptionally talented at overcompensating in one area, and denying/delaying my needs to still reach a goal. No longer.

Now, I need to rest, be more mindful, accept and flow - not push, strive, dominate, control. In a sense, aim to cultivate a more peaceful, accepting, reflective, flourishing approach to life. Crushing naps and PR-ing relaxation totally misses the point; I can't approach this like I would have in the past.

The Taoist concept of wu wei resonated with me this weekend, as well as many highlights from this article. As I realized my emotions were driven by fear and desparately wanting to control the outcome of all of this, I was profoundly reminded that I am not in charge. I found myself thinking of or humming hymns from my childhood, this one and this one in particular. Rest serves a spiritual purpose, which I have neglected. I am (begrudgingly) resigned to my lack of ability to control how this turns out, but having submitted that, the despair I felt this weekend is starting to drift into a peaceful acceptance along with a new curiosity and openess about how to live for the future. Maybe I just needed that.

Unplugging for the weekend

Just need some time to sleep and recharge.

MRI Results are GOOD, but I just still feel like I might not make it...

I of course hate that I have no quantifiable measures, but the radiologist who we met said, literally, "Wow! Impressive!" when she saw the images from my 9/10  MRI. Word from my medical oncologist nurse is that the medical oncologist still thinks we are on track for a complete pathological response, which is exactly the purple unicorn we are looking for. The oncology surgeon is very happy and thinks we will have a good, small lumpectomy of about 1 cm + 1 cm margins (3 cm total) and reconstruction at the same time, with no additional requirements for fat grafting or expectations of dimpling. I told her I didn't want to be googly eyed or misaligned or uneven, and she thought things could be mashed into place.  Radiation should help with scar reduction. The reconstructive plastic surgeon will be there with my oncology surgeon as the cutting is done. Apparently the full fat reconstruction often leads to gnarly cosmetic results, so I am crossing Miami and NYC visits off my list. I also asked whether it would be helpful if my body composition were leaner- maybe if I were 300# with more than 100# to lose, but not now, so nothing to worry about there.

There is a nagging question of whether the full bilateral mastectomy would be more long-term definitive, but I am going to hope and pray it never comes to that. With there being no genetic component, it is even more important that I keep my stress, sleep, diet, environment, and social support clean going forward, so I don't end up right back in the same  place 5-10-15+ years from now. Something I already knew, reconfirmed by the surgeon.

I will still keep my proton beam therapy appointments in Knoxville. I am going to see the plastic surgeon and radiation oncologist before the end of the month, proton folks on 10/16.  The schedule is lining up.

If the plastics surgeon agrees, I will have surgery on Nov. 11, the earliest I could get it, hopefully the first surgery of the day, 6am arrival, 7:30am surgery. I hate waiting. I am terrible at it. I hope it works out that way. My first Herceptin only treatment would be 11/12.

In the meantime, we have to whip my liver AST and platelets in gear. Rest and water for liver AST is what I am hearing, so I took sick leave thru  the end of this week, even though I really want to be there. Sesame seed oil may help platelets, so I am jumping on that train. And, just trying hard to calm the f! down. Easier said than done. I want that complete pathological response! I know I ask too many friggin questions, but I just want to live so badly. There are times still when I just sob uncontrollably. I don't know how to stop.

It helps me so much to leave no stone unturned, and I am beyond grateful to my whole medical team for taking the time to answer my infinite questions and somehow find peace, and calm and space in this process. I know I must not be easy, but literally all the time, I just feel like I am on the edge of totally losing it. Hope and prayer, with the support of people around me, that's all that is getting me through. You have no idea how hard this is. It just is so much. I can't wait to be through this nonsense.

Chemo Round 4

Chemo round 4 did not quite go as planned. My liver enzyme AST was actually even higher, at 115 when it had been 105 the day before. My dr reduced the first component of my horrible cocktail, the Taxotore, to 60%. Everything else stayed the same. I was horribly anxious to the point of frequent tears.

We got my echo back midway through the first drip, and my heart is in the normal range at 65-75% ejection fraction, but it was 55% when I started. No idea what is up with that. Maybe an athlete heart to start, and now I am just normal? Sometimes my heart pounds as if I had just sprinted a mile, even when I am lying in bed doing nothing. It didn't used to do that before (except that time I double dosed on Sudafed, which is at least explainable).

We don't have the MRI back yet. I should get that today. If the chemo is working, I am terrified of changing it. Heart damage or liver damage is pretty bad, if that is where I am headed, but I would rather have that over not getting all the cancer or it coming back.

This morning and last night, I ate. My digestion was normal. I am very nauseous, but pretty sure that is nerves. When I left chemo last night, they gave me a huge push of Ativan, an antianxiety med, that made me feel dizzy, tired, and weak. As if I had been roofied. My hands are shaking this morning and I am already teary.

I am terrified of what my surgery prep appointment today is going to be like. Losing my hair was one thing. It will come back. Losing a breast, or even part of one, is much more terrifying, and permanent.  I really just hate this. It seems so unfair and genuinely, unavoidably horrible, whichever choice I take.

My sister came and we had a great time flipping through fall fashion mags. I wore wig 2 as a trial to a very positive reception. I even took it off to show two newbies who had just started and could not believe it was a wig.

My nurse Chelsea introduced me to a woman who went through my exact chemo protocol, which is generally accepted to be one of the more brutal ones. People are often delayed or see a dose reduced. The patient, Julie, said chemo was much worse than either surgery or radiation. I also found a CrossFit coach in Baltimore who trained and opened a box while undergoing treatment. That helped.

At the prechemo appointment with my medical oncologist, I described my tumor size as having shrunk from a small plum to a jumbo Spanish olive. She wasn't familiar and asked how that compared to a Kalamata, so we got her a jar and brought it the next day. She actually stopped by to say thank you and that it was one of the most thoughtful gifts a patient had gotten her. I hope that tumor keeps shrinking. To an olive pit, to nothing!

I know I have to have some kind of a surgery no matter what, but the statistics are dramatically better for neoadjuvant chemo patient that get a complete pathological response, ie, at the time of surgery, pathology cannot detect a single surviving cancer cell. Odds are good without that, but for 5 years out. I want to live another 50/60/70+ years! The great numbers you see at 5 years deteriorate the farther out you get. That's one reason why I am so fixated. Chemo is awful, not just the day of the infusion, but the entire 4 months of prep and infusion I have already been through. I don't know if I could bear to do it again, which is why it is so important to me to get the very best result I can... so I never have to do this again. I know I will survive this, and that belief is still so strong, but it is living with the constant background of fear and dread for how I will be living my life that is really hard. 

9/10 was chemo rd 4. 

Today, 9/11, I am going to try to remember that there were some who gave all to other evils in this world. Every day we live, proudly and with compassion and grace, we fight back. Let us never forget their sacrifice, or that the price of freedom and security is vigilance and deterrence. As hard as it feels going through cancer, I want to be back at work and fulfilling a purpose in serving others. 

On to the next appointment!

Halfway point MRI today, chemo tomorrow

It's been a tough week already. Lots of appointments. My platelets are low normal at 140k, my liver enzyme AST is double the high end of normal at 105. Had an echocardiogram to check in on my heart since I have been experiencing palpitations. I might not have chemo tomorrow if the redo of blood work is not good. I haven't slept in two days stressing out about the MRI that will show how well the chemo is working. I couldn't handle the fast with the isotope in my stomach so I ate. Guess we will see after all whether the fast was worth it. I have pretty much had two full days of working cancer issues, with another full day tomorrow, pharmacy calls and visits, appointment calls and visits, blood work, MRI, echo, billing, primary insurance, secondary insurance, and flexible spending account paperwork and calls. I am exhausted and can't will myself to do anymore today. More tomorrow. Results from radiology tomorrow/Thursday, just in time for my surgery prep appointment, also terrifying. I just hope I have good results and am guided to the best option. Surgery is real. It is visible. It is permanent. I feel like chemo, as awful as it is, has been an emotional warm up to the surgery decisions. I dont want this at all, and it is horrible having to choose between such painful options.

Fashion fashion preview by Sibley Interventional Radiology, note the lovely yellow socks and hair bonnet:

Once a month meals

I am trying to get ready for chemo on Wednesday. Having good food in the house so that I don't eat total carby, sugary crap as my first meal post-fast is a part of that. Like many CrossFitters, I endeavor to eat Paleo, but it is extremely time intensive and inconvenient. I often fall short of the 85% paleo general goal. I feel better when I eat cleanly, and I can tell that recently, too many vacay goodies are crowding out the protein and veggies I should be eating. I also would like to mind the grocery and restaurant budget a little more closely.

In the past, I have found thefoodee.com very helpful because you pick paleo recipes and it accumulates a grocery list for you. It is not perfect, but still a big time saver if weekly shopping is what you are after. Sometimes I still let my lettuce wilt or don't get around to cooking on the day that I planned to. :-(

This time, I went in even more aggressively. I used the paleo menu from onceamonthmeals.com. I spent $325 to buy groceries, including some staples and spices, for me and Josh for the whole month. (DC is ridiculously expensive, that is actually a really good cost for a whole month- I dont even want to tell you how much we usually spend.) Most but not all was organic/grassfed/antibiotic-free/steroid-free/cage-free/blah blah blah blah.

I ordered through Peapod by Giant and had it delivered. I spent about 2h on prep earlier this week. I started a little late cooking today, but after 6h, I hit a good stopping point with 3 recipes left that I will make tomorrow. Everything I made is packged up and frozen for 2 people, and we will eat each meal twice this month with just a quick reheat! Of course I sampled everything as I was making it, and everything was delicious. 

While an epic cooking marathon might not seem like the approach to take, I feel like if I can plan better to get the hard part out of the way when I feel well, then Josh and I will end up eating out less and not throwing out produce, just because I didn't feel up to fixing things. Sometimes all I can handle is the microwave, and this will get me there!

Competing at SuperFit Maryland

Having a great time at SuperFit Maryland!

Why compete? For me, I feel like competition always brings out the best in me, and I discover strength I didn't know I had. I signed up for this in March in the RX division, and thought about selling my spot, but decided to compete in the scaled/novice division anyway. My oncologist said, "Go and live your life." So I am. This is a big part of my life. Loving it! I may come in last (results here), but I am here and competing, and that is a victory in itself. Thanks to my friend Ramzi for the photos, to SuperFit (event staff, judges, media, volunteers and sponsors), CrossFit Revamped, Gary and Alea Helmick, and all the fellow competitors and fans who made it an incredible day!

(additional photos updated 9/7/14)

Rope climbs did a number on me!

Alea Helmick! Super sweet and a great event host.

Ramzi killing the 2nd event.

Podium finish for Ramzi!

This week was a blur!

Somehow 4 day work weeks still seem to require 5 days of work. Answering email till 11pm or later and picking back up at 5/6am really makes one day blur into the next. I didn't realize today was already Thursday. It's been busier than usual. I've been working this incident and that earlier one, in addition to the usual day to day. It's fun, but I am ready for a return to steady state to get myself collected again. I haven't even really looked ahead to next week. A lot going on!

Next week I have 5, possibly 6, appointments. It's chemo round 4, the midway MRI, and the surgical consult. I have a sleep dr follow up and 2 acupuncture appointments. There is also the wig photo shoot.

On Saturday, I am doing a scaled CrossFit competition. I am feeling weak and deconditioned, but I have put myself in competition before in the same state as this, minus the chemo. It should be fun. I am looking forward to it. I just need to get myself back in the gym, and I am having the hardest time doing it. I hope this will help. I mean, I know I have cancer and all, but I should be able to get myself together a little better on this. I like the gym. No idea why it is so hard for me to go lately (aside from work monopolizing me).

I also have been trying to make appointments with the proton therapy folks- I got in to the Knoxville location on October 16, now to try to figure out airfare. I gave up on the Miami Breast Center for Brava. I called and called and the person I was supposed to talk to was never there and wouldn't call me back even after leaving messages. So, I called Dr. Christina Anh in NYC, got the nurse, and the office manager called me back, but now I have to call her back. Sibley called, and there is a turnover issue on my Tricare coverage, so Josh and I are going to a military base tomorrow at 7 to fix it. Ugghhh. Logistics are crazy. Sometimes breast cancer appointments and insurance seem like a full time job by itself.

Oh, and our landlord called Josh and wants to raise our rent. Just a smidge, but of course I am outraged they are raising it at all and am now looking at other options. And then, my check engine light has come on. I already know I need new tires before winter and my air conditioner has a leak, so depending on how expensive the check engine light fix is as I push 189k miles, I might just be better off buying a new to me vehicle.

Tonight, my goal is simply to make my to do list is complete!

Happy Labor Day!

Had an awesome time visiting Chicago this past weekend! I was quite sure that I did not like Chicago before I went, and boy was I wrong! It was beautiful. Walt Disney World clean. Everyone was beyond nice. The architecture was amazing. Beautiful gardens everywhere. Food was excellent. I would definitely go back, maybe not in winter, but definitely in summer!

I returned late home yesterday and enjoyed the federal holiday. A friend cooked us breakfast, which was lovely! This afternoon I spent trying to get my medical bills a little bit better organized. I'm also doing more research on proton beam therapy as an alternative to traditional radiation. Proton beam therapy is more precise - the technique often used is called "pencil beam targeting." It's really new. There are only 14 centers in the United States. One is in Knoxville, and my grandmother requested info on my behalf. I followed up today with a request for more information. I also sent a request to the center in Seattle where my in-laws live. And, I sent a request to Loma Linda, California. I don't know anyone out there, but they are running a clinical trial out there for early stage breast cancer, which mine is (stage II), unless my lymph nodes come back positive after post-surgery pathology, and then I am stage III. Let's hope not. I don't think I am currently eligible for the trial, but I would love to somehow get in. It looks like if my tumor was 5cm or bigger, my lymph nodes were involved, I was over 40, or it was in my left breast rather than right, I might be able to get this new therapy. But, I'm not any of those things. Sigh. I don't know. I'm still going to ask. Seems a lot less damaging than traditional beam. Guess we'll see.

Josh is sick with a cold, coughing like crazy. I am taking Zicam now even though I have no symptoms and am trying hard not to get it with near obsessive handwashing. He always gets sick first, and then he gets better. He gets me sick, and then I stay sick for like 100 days. I cannot afford to get sick. I want to dip him in bleach and Lysol everything. What do you say - Cover your mouth or it could literally kill me? Sigh. Cross your fingers. My immune systems is going to need a lucky break. Plane travel and now a sick husband are not auspicious signs.