Chemo Round 6, the End of Poison!

So, I normally try to have my blood work,  doc visit, and chemo all in the same day to avoid having to take lots of extra leave from work to shuttle myself back and forth to the hospital on multiple days. 

This round,  round 6/6 of the Horrible Cocktail of TCHP,  is my last round of poison.  I have 12 more rounds of H only every 3 weeks till July 2015,  but it's 30 minutes of infusion time,  not 6 hours.  And,  it will make me tired,  but not flattened and destroyed.  My hair should grow back,  I will not have digestive drama,  and it doesn't cause peripheral neuropathy.  So,  I have been deeply looking forward to the end of this phase.

Round 5 was rough,  followed by a double tap with that cold.  Between chemo,  the cold,  and feeling flattened, I only was in the office 2 days since Round 5. I was able to telework one week,  but too beat down and scared of germs to make it in person.  I was certain my platelets would delay chemo. I scheduled blood work earlier on Friday to see how far off I was,  so I could tell my family whether to expect to travel for my chemo that was scheduled on Tuesday. Surprise of all surprises,  the blood work was fine.

On Tuesday, I arrived at 12:18 for the doc visit at 12:30, expecting the infusion at 1:30. Since I moved my blood work to the Friday before, I did not come for the previously scheduled blood work appointment at 10/10:30 on Tuesday. I had already done it.  Everything else was supposed to be left in place.  Well,  Josh and I were taken back for weight,  BP and pulse around 1pm, but we did not see a doc (any doc) until 1:44. We did not see my doc till after 2 PM. None of the nurses were willing to stay to do the infusion, and it can't be rushed for safety reasons. Also,  despite me spending extra time on my make up to not look like a cancery meth face,  my oncologist pointed out I looked as rough as she had ever seen me,  and with as much diarrhea I had had,  she wanted my Taxotere reduced to 60% again.  For chemo, not on Tuesday,  on Wednesday.  I was unable to negotiate back to 100% or Tuesday,  despite several attempts, and I have been through several successful negotiations with Israelis!  I felt like I could do anything one more time, and I want all this stupid cancer gone.  She assured me that the chemo would still be effective, but that she felt it unnecessary to assault my body beyond the dose that would be effective.  I do appreciate that she is brutally honest,  and even though I ask a ton of questions,  I do believe she is right.  

So,  on Tuesday,  my husband, my mom and my sister and I left.  We hung out at the house and had an early mini birthday celebration and then went out for fajitas.  They had to head home,  and I went to bed early.  I woke up in the middle of the night so frustrated and angry and sad. I did everything right.  My blood work was fine.  I was there on time,  and I had already been through the anxiety of the prepping, the waiting and the dread.  Approaching food like it was my last meal.  Rescheduling multiple appointments, including the acupuncture I was supposed to have today.  Taking dexamethasone,  which I hate. For nothing.

Here I was, on Wednesday, another day delayed.  I drove myself to chemo,  alone.  I was worried I will be too ill to drive home,  but figured that out later.  I waited in line to check in.  I waited in the room to be called back.  I waited till 11 to meet my new nurse,  who had unsettled guidance about my premeds.  She didn't put on sterile gloves when she was assembling the port pack,  so I asked her to do it again.  I can't handle an infection traveling straight through my central vein to my heart right now.  Or ever.  Maybe she did it right and I don't know any better,  but I didn't care.  I think she was a little peeved,  but it won't be her in the ER or operating room,  so I had to ask.  She did a good job pushing the needle in with a light touch. We eventually got the premeds figured out.  She has been super precise and very helpful,  and I explained that I am an outlier and very unlucky special snowflake, so I think she got why I was so anxious.  A lot of unnecessary stress getting to this point, but we are going to get through it.  I am focusing on the positive.  As the day went on,  it was easier and easier to be cheerful as others lifted me up.

I got the most beautiful flowers last night
from my CrossFit friends.  My baby sister was all ready to help me party early for my b day.  My mom brought tea and lavender soap and oils to help me relax.  Her friend Christie sent feathers and a lovely note from her pet parrot,  a fellow Amazon,  as the feathers are a traditional token of good luck. I talked to my other sister and brief texts with my brother.  All uplifting.  I think my dad gets back from abroad soon too.  Today,  a friend of mine Ubered over to sit with me so I wouldn't be alone,  and a former CrossFit client, and unbeknownst to me till now a current DHS colleague, who saw my story at work volunteered to bring me a milkshake! The story that went out to about 2,000 people earlier this week was posted on our internal Web page for the Department,  reaching potentially all 250,000+ employees and many more contractors.  Other people who I knew and more whom I did not know emailed me their support. My husband was able to eventually leave work early,  and my earlier nurse called from her new job to check on me. The colo-rectal chemo nurse even shared her ginger candy with me.  I also got to see a fellow patient who has become a friend during this process. I really needed all of that today. All good things. 

Best of all, no more poison! I might not be throwing down for my birthday on Sunday,  but I still have a lot to celebrate.  Not excited about the surgery being my next big hurdle,  but we are making headway! One step at a time. Thank you to everyone who has been helping me on this journey.  I could not do this alone. 

Throwback photo with my awesome nurse Chelsea who got me through chemo 1-5 like a champ

Throwback photo with Rachel being twinsies at the gym.  Thanks for coming to visit! 

Chemo Round 6 Tomorrow! And, post for Breast Cancer Awareness at Work

Good news - I am having round 6 of 6 of the "horrible cocktail" on Tuesday. My platelets were up, my liver was fine. I'm still not totally over my cold, but I think teleworking last week was a really good choice. I am so grateful that I am going to have this round on time and not be delayed. This will be the last round of the four drug cocktail that includes basically 2 types of whole-body poison (docetaxol/Taxotere and carboplatin/Paraplatin). After this, I still have surgery, radiation and 12 rounds of chemo with a targeted biologic called tratuzumab/Herceptin, but since it only attacks one type of protien, there will be no more digestive drama or muscle wasting and way less fatigue. I'm not exactly excited to be having chemo, but I am SO excited for this "horrible cocktail" to be over. Last week was tough physically from the cold and also mentally from wondering whether the chemo was going to happen on time, but I'm moving forward.

For breast cancer awareness month, although it was hard to write and make the decision to share with a broader circle than just my immediate circle of colleagues, I ultimately decided to submit my story to an internal communications distribution with my client. It matters to me to help raise awareness so that others can understand better what it is like for survivors and folks who might be facing this themselves or for a loved one don't feel so alone. I got an email from a girl in Canada who started reading my blog to help her mother who just got diagnosed. I had no idea my words had spread so far or that it was really helping people. (If you are reading this, thank you for saying thank you!) It pushed me over the edge in deciding to share more broadly at work. I initially worried that I would forever be labelled "cancer girl," but before my cancer diagnosis I had a lot to offer personally and professionally, and I know that will continue afterwards. I just have to trust that helping some people is worth more than potentially being branded as one thing or being seen as one dimensional in this context.

Here's what I submitted (names of colleagues omitted):

Office of General Counsel Attorney for NPPD, A Breast Cancer Survivor Breast Cancer Survivor and Attorney for NPPD, Allison Bender. I am a DHS cybersecurity attorney, I have breast cancer, and I am 32 years old. Immediately after graduating law school in 2006, I joined DHS because I wanted to be part of making sure that an attack like 9/11 could never happen again. I’ve been lucky to be healthy early in my career, racking up sick leave while also gaining the professional opportunities of a lifetime– being the Chief Negotiator for the United States Government on international agreements, serving on the President’s Export Control Reform Task Force, twice visiting the White House Situation Room, and more recently providing legal support to NPPD/CS&C on cybersecurity operations and incident response, including the USIS breach involving government contractor background investigation security clearance data, the Healthcare.gov incident, and the earlier Heartbleed vulnerability response. The intellectual challenge and thrill of working these issues has been amazing. The feeling of making a difference for the American people, even if only in some small way, has been even better. The best part of it all has been learning what incredible colleagues, supervisors, and clients I serve with here at DHS. I discovered a lump doing a self-exam in May of this year. I was due for an annual physical anyway, so I scheduled one. On May 27, I had the physical and my general practitioner confirmed a palpable mass. On May 28, I had an ultrasound and due to my age, a 3D mammogram as well. The radiologist recommended a biopsy, which I had on June 4. I received my diagnosis on June 6 – invasive ductal carcinoma with ductal carcinoma in situ. After additional pathology labs and radiology imaging, I learned it was Stage 2 and positive for estrogen, progesterone, and HER2. This meant my treatment would involve an intense year of: chemotherapy (July-Oct.), targeted biologics (July ’14-15), surgery (Nov.), and six weeks of radiation (Dec.-Jan.); to be followed by ten more years of daily hormonal therapy. Barring a recurrence, I’ll finally be done with cancer treatment in July 2025. The hardest parts should be over by the end of January. Luckily, my doctors believe we caught the cancer before it spread to my lymph nodes or elsewhere. Currently, I am undergoing chemotherapy before surgery, and I have been through 5 of 6 rounds of what I’ve been calling the “Horrible Cocktail.”  I hope to finish the last round before my birthday on Nov. 2. Being only 32, I was shocked when I got my diagnosis, because at the time I didn’t know anyone who had been through this.  Over time, I’ve come to realize how important raising awareness is. According to the American Cancer Society, 1 out of every 2 men and 1 out of every 3 women will be diagnosed with some form of cancer in their lifetime, with 1 out of 8 women being diagnosed with breast cancer specifically. Although rare, men can be diagnosed with breast cancer too.  Awareness is the first step to early detection. This is one of two main reasons why I decided to share my breast cancer diagnosis and journey with DHS as well as publicly, including at the Washington Redskins’ Breast Cancer Awareness Game against the Seattle Seahawks on October 6 (see photo). The other main reason that I am opening up is to share the life lessons I’ve been learning since starting this cancer journey, which no one should have to go through cancer to appreciate. Since my diagnosis, I’ve tried to follow the advice of my medical oncologist, who said, “Live your life.” I started a personal blog as to stay in touch better with family and friends. I donated my long locks to Wigs for Kids and videoed it. I continue to exercise when I can, finding health and strength through the wonderful CrossFit community.  Breast cancer will definitely make my donation to the Combined Federal Campaign this year much more personal. I continue to come to work and do my job, as best as I can, with the very understanding help and support of my supervisors and colleagues, who have pitched in to cover gaps when I’ve had to take sick leave, especially before I was ready to share my news with our clients. I certainly wouldn’t volunteer for cancer (or wish it on anyone else), but there have been so many moments of unexpected joy and deep gratitude for things I would have previously not noticed or maybe even have taken for granted.  While I still have a long journey ahead of me, the lessons I’ve learned so far are these: Early detection is invaluable. Live your life. Be fully present in it. Focus on the positive. Take the time to appreciate the little things and be grateful. Let people help you, and people will continually surprise you at how great they can be. The best part of working at DHS is people helping people to solve real problems. To my supervisor; second-line supervisor; close colleagues; the rest of the OGC/NPPLD team; my prior colleagues and clients who voiced their support; and to my current clients, especially those who didn’t even know till now, thanks for being great. What you do every day isn’t just about the mission and serving the American people, it’s about helping other people, including the folks who work here.  Thanks for helping me.

Well, I don't have Ebola

But these last few days, I sure have felt like it. Just delirious. I woke up today, and it was like 3 days had passed. My fever and chills seem to have finally quit. I am still weak and fatigued, but I am back in the land of the living finally this afternoon. I woke up in the middle of last night with about 2 hours of unrelenting diarrhea. Still a periodic issue, but I am so afraid to eat that there is hardly anything left inside me to have an issue with. Steroid acne/staph boils are still coming, but the Burt's Bees tea tree oil blend is helping with the deep cysts. It was just a cold, but on top of the chemo, after all the excitement of the weekend. Monday, a federal holiday, I was still on a high and had the best day ever with a friend and the dogs at a dog park. I thought I had normal chemo ickiness on Tuesday, but I should have stayed home because the cold was starting. I have been home sick in bed (or the bathroom) since. This Friday, I finally feel a little better. Still resting, but quasi functional.

I can't believe I actually made it through the wedding rehearsal and the wedding. Must have been a "prayer pass." I only had a few interruptions at the rehearsal dinner. At the wedding, I did not vommit from the pulpit during the reading at the ceremony, nor did my wig accidentally catch on fire by the candles. I had been so scared I dreamed about both. I sat at a table and drank juice during the reception cocktaiks rather than standing and mingling. I nibbled at dinner to avoid digestive drama, and I managed to get myself on the dancefloor for a handful of songs, although my endurance was one slow song only and then back to sitting down. I was disappointed not to feel up to more, especially because the band was great! I did manage to wear heels without a neuropathy impact. I was also even happier about my port placement because I could wear a strapless dress I already owned without the scar showing. Overall, success!

It was all worth it. I was so glad to be there with my family and friends on such a happy day. I loved reconnecting with my dad's fraternity brother and his wife- I was the flower girl (my first wedding appearance) at their wedding. I got one of the best hugs ever from my Aunt Robin. I got to hear some pretty great stories during my grandmother's toast to my dad, and I got to be close to her for one of the sweetest moments in the church when we first sat down and she wiped her eye and held my hand as she looked up at my dad, saying, "He's still my little boy."

My favorite moment involved the bottle of champagne from Josh and my wedding, which had been a gift from the Jetton side of the family, my grandfather in particular, and signed by my relatives. The bottle was Champagne Pol Roger, for my Grandaddy Roger who could not be at our ceremony April 7, 2012, due to travel limitations from his fight with emphysema. Josh and I planned to have it with our wedding cake on our first anniversary, but we enjoyed the wine at dinner a bit too much to feel good about opening it on that day. So, we resolved to save it for a special occasion. He passed away on May 5, 2013, not even a month later, when Josh and I were in Seattle at the wedding of Josh's childhood best friend. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I knew he loved me. Still, I had always felt things were unfinished.

Josh and I gave my father and his bride our bottle from Grandaddy Roger with a brief toast at the wedding. Amazingly, like fish and loaves of bread, we kept pouring and pouring glasses, and I think all my Jetton relatives were able to have some. He would have loved to have been there. He would have loved to have seen my dad happy. It was beautiful seeing the whole family so together and so raw. It was perfect. There was a moment too when I really felt like he was there, a presence that was a hug goodbye, and I've been at peace with his passing since. That was the special occasion we were waiting for. I know my dad and his family felt him there too.

Love transcends time and space. The people we love are always with us.

Over this... let's rock

Today's theme song is brought to you by Twisted Sister....

I found some helpful online advice here and in pdf here for layering the anti nausea meds.

So, I am still resting during daylight on day 4 post chemo, but getting ready.

Tonight's game plan:

Aloxi... too good to be true

So I am pretty sure I got Aloxi for the first time as a premed during round 5. No nausea at all and only one digestive episode... until Friday at 1pm when the queasies started coming. Aloxi is a long term antiemetic (aka anti nausea) that they give via IV, and it worked amazingly for the first 42 hours post chemo. Now, in addition to bone crushing fatigue, I am miserable. I cannot complain too much. Normally my nausea lasts well into day 10 post chemo and digestive drama goes on long after that. At least I got 3 normal ish digestive days. I am just really disappointed not to feel better. And, I am disappointed that I felt deceived into thinking maybe it would just be the fatigue that was worse this round.

My dad is getting married this weekend, and I have family here I want to see! My cousin is also getting married down South, so it is a double whammy not to be able to do stuff here or there. Josh and I tried to go visit my dad's early arrival crowd tonight, and I had to stop at a gas station before deciding we needed to turn back around and go home. I rested all day and still could not function. I know he wants me to feel better, but it still kills me not to be able to be there. I show up for people. I want to be there. I want to see my siblings and my relatives. And tonight, I just couldn't.

I hate this stupid cancer. I hate feeling sick. I hate missing my friends and the gym and even work. I hate that when I cry my tears smell and taste like chemo (imagine gasoline), and I hate that that makes me want to throw up even more.

One more round. I am going to get through this. It is going to get better. It is what it is right now. I will rest. I will eat well. I will pray, and it will be however it is supposed to be. I don't have to like it to accept it. But, I am going to get through this.

Tonight, I just needed to vent.

Round 5

Round 5 is kicking my butt. I got a full dose of everything. Starting with premeds, I had sweats, chills, headache and stomach ache during chemo, when normally I am so drugged up I feel great. I could barely drive home. The last two days, I have had a burst of morning energy then a nose dive. Just laid out. Still, I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE ROUND OF THE HORRIBLE COCKTAIL! I can't wait for this to be over. More to report as soon as I get my energy back up.

Chemo Round 5 is ON for Tuesday!!!

What a relief! Based on Monday morning bloodwork, my platelets are up to 117. 100 is the cut off for getting chemo. I am having chemo Round 5 on Tuesday!

This weekend was mentally tough, wondering if/when I'd be able to get this next round over with. I felt physically ok, but I only ended up doing about half the things I had planned, just with the stress of the bloodwork weighing heavily on me and not being able to do anything about it. Everything hinged on platelets: When to take the required dose of dexamethasone. My chemo schedule. My work schedule. My surgery date. Radiation. Finishing. Even though I was doing my best to try to accept whatever may come, I still felt adrift not knowing when this next round might happen. Florence & the Machine's "Shake It Out" was a quiet theme song on repeat Saturday and Sunday.

 

 

Since my platelets have only perked up to 117, it's likely that round 6, my final round of the Horrible Cocktail, TCHP, will also be delayed. This site had some useful information: 

How long will it take platelet counts to rise again?

That's the big question, and the answer is: probably within three to four weeks. Doctors can't make an accurate prediction because platelet count depends on many factors, including the type of treatment -- particularly the type and dosage of chemo -- and a patient's general state of health. One thing to keep in mind is that platelet counts generally won't drop immediately after chemo; it usually takes a week or two. This is because chemo doesn't kill off the platelets already in the bloodstream, which are mature and aren't dividing rapidly. It kills off the cells forming in the marrow, and therefore there's a delayed response, with the lowest platelet counts (called the nadir) usually occurring seven to 14 days after chemo. After that, the body begins regenerating platelets at a rate of approximately 10 percent a day. (Platelets have a life span of eight to ten days, so, on any given day, approximately 10 percent are being lost and replaced.) But some types of cancer and some types of treatment suppress the production of platelets, so the rebuilding process can be much slower.

 

 

From round 4 to what should have been 5, I dropped from 140 to 87 by day 21 and to 85 by day 23. By day 26, I was back to 117. During round 4, I only got 60% of the Taxotere, the T in TCHP, due to the liver enzyme AST being elevated. I don't know what the effect of a full dose of Taxotere might be on platelets, but I want the thing to fully kill off those cancer cells! Naively assuming Taxotere does nothing to platelets and that there will be a linear correlation (for which I have no basis to assume and have done no research - just thinking to get an idea), let's assume that my platelet count will drop by an identical amount between round 5 and 6 - that's down 53 to a total of 64, best case scenario. That is still above the platelet infusion range, which is anything below 50. If I waste down to 64, then we are looking at a delay of about 5 days assuming a 10% increase in platelets each day. It may take me a little bit longer to bottom out like it did this round, so maybe a week's delay for round 6? Ugh. I do not want to move all those appointments again. It would put my surgery on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and I do not want the hospital to be empty if I have complications. All that said, I'm excited to be one step closer tomorrow to finishing all of it. One foot in front of the other.

 

Tonight at 8:30pm, I'll be on the field as a breast cancer survivor for Monday Night Football, when the Washington Redskins and the Seattle Seahawks take the field! Looking forward to a great game!

 

 

 

 

 

No chemo today, bloodwork again Monday, hopeful for chemo on Tuesday

Platelets are about the same, 85 today and 87 on Friday. No chemo today. Sigh.

We try again Monday. If my blood work is good, I have chemo Tuesday. If the platelets are not up, I go back everyday for blood work till they are. Josh probably won't be able to go. I had to push back all my chemo appointments for a week. I had to push back my surgery. I will have to push back my radiation mapping and start of radiation too. It is what it is. It's not anything I did or didn't do. My bone marrow is just tired. This is what chemo does to a person. If platelets drop below 50, I will get a transfusion. Happily, I am not there yet. My doctors and my medical team know what to do. I am going to see my TCM doc/acupuncturist in an hour. I keep telling myself it will be ok. Sometimes all you can do is wait and pray.

My onc says if I feel like it, I can still go to work and exercise, just do what I would normally do. So that's the game plan. Do my thing, maybe be a little more careful with knives while chopping vegetables, but otherwise just have patience. My ted blood cells are a touch low, so fatigue is somewhat expected.

I did wear one of the new wigs today. Loving it. I may keep swapping them out till I find myself a good luck wig.

No chemo, low platelets, seeing the plan, and the Redskins!

Long post warning. Getting caught up and letting things out.
 

My liver was fine. Thank goodness. I read (maybe too much), and apparently elevated AST can be a sign of liver metastasis before it can be radiologically detected. Prognosis for liver metastasis is exceptionally poor, about 11 months from time of diagnosis. I have been secretly terrified for the last 10 days, too afraid to tell pretty much anybody. My liver is fine though. What a relief. I prayed. I rested. I drank water. I visualized a healthy liver. I went to acupuncture. I still did stuff, but listened to my body. My liver is fine. Beyond grateful.

 

However, my platelets were too low for chemo. They were 87, and I have to get them to 100 to have chemo. Mine were at 140 last time, and 240 before chemo. We are going to try again Friday. Stupid platelets. Oh, I was beside myself when I found out. Actually pretty furious. Not that my prayers hadn't been answered, but that I had not included platelets in my original request! Platelets are so on it now. I do believe prayer works, and it is working for me.

 

My doctor and medical team are taking really good care of me, and this platelet delay is not unusual. I am not far off, so there is a real possibility Friday could happen. The scheduler at chemo worked some serious magic in rearranging everything, which I know wasn't easy. My whole Wednesday thing is now a Friday thing, and we are scheduled on Fridays through the next six months. This is another reason I love Sibley. It isn't just that the doctors and nurses are excellent, they are ALL good, including the schedulers and receptionists and even the parking garage guys. World class. It really makes a difference. I can't say enough good things about them.
 

Apparently there are things they can do if the platelets go much lower, but right now I just have to wait. It wasn't anything I did. I actually was feeling pretty good. My nurse mentioned sesame seed oil, which I will try (gameplan is shots of it, actually!). I also am going to try to see what the acupuncturist can do. I think he really helped the liver, so we will see what else he can do with platelets. He recently sent the CDC a proposal for Ebola based on Traditional Chinese Medicine herbs, because he says Western medicine has almost nothing to help, but the TCM herbs can do a lot to help the whole patient by treating the bleeding issues. Super smart guy, again, I feel lucky.

 

I do want to get through this as soon as possible. The schedule is set through July 2015. Mentally, I have been clinging to certain dates. Before my birthday to finish the Horrible Cocktail rounds of chemo. Surgery on Veterans Day. Finishing radiation by MLK weekend. Finishing Herceptin by Independence Day. I so want to be free of this year of cancer July 4th. Independence day was going to be more personal. My surgeon called me back and as long as my platelets cooperate for Friday, we can maintain the new Friday game plan. If they aren't up to snuff, I get pushed back a week.

 

Eventually, through all this, I started to realize there was a plan all along for me. His plan.

The CrossFit team competition, Capital Throwdown, over the weekend and a flurry of pics and videos over FB and Insta had my spirits going in super high. Fiona's post and Megan's 3 part YouTube documentary of Team "You Look Great" had me in stiches through Part 1 and Part 2, and then Part 3 at the end was tears of joy and gratitude for the round of applause I got at the end of the competition. Be prepared as the videos have typical CrossFit level humor and grit. For a real trip, follow this crazy girl on Instagram @megsquats for some inspiration and entertainment. I love this community so much.

#Balancelife



CrossFit Rubicon had this amazing and hilarious t-shirt too!

 

 My team! Ramzi, Devin & Demelza. 

 

Although this was my last team workout with my dear friend and super cheerleader Ramzi before he moves to Canada, I know we will still be close, and he's coming back for next year's throwdown, where I hope to be back in the RX division again! Thanks for giving me something to train for! Devin was all around amazing and the cool and collected member of our team, always down to grind out whatever work needed to be done. He also brought the Balance van for day 2 of relaxing between workouts in the parking lot. Demelza, she did the competition after flying back from being jet lagged in California. My quads are pretty weaksauce lately, so she did almost all the squats and lunges both days of this competition. The center photo is her jumping right in to finish the last workout before the finals when my turn was up and I wasn't sure I could do it. Completely inspiring and well deserving of many hugs. It was just a great time hanging out with folks at the van.

 

Balance Crew!

My husband's Yamasaki Academy added a pink stripe to their jiu jitsu gi belts for Breast Cancer Awareness month. I just want to give Fernando and all the kids a big hug each to say thank you. (I become more and more tempted to think about getting back on the mat, mostly because of how aweseome these folks are!)

 

How cute are these Yamasaki kids?!?! Highly skilled though.
They could totally judo throw me and put me in an armbar.

 

I also recently got to be the model for an American Cancer Society Look Good Feel Better volunteer training event. About 20 make up artists, cosmetologists, and esthiticians got to see what a cancer patient actually looks like. They were so nice and so encouraging. I could still feel the ripple of shock that went through the room when I took my wig off. I hope I could help them see what we go through and that helping us not look so sick is a way to help heal the spirit. Because the DC and Baltimore area have so many hospitals, it is really hard to keep up with enough trained volunteers, and learning how to draw on eyebrows after they grow back doesn't do anyone any good, so it is really important to have enough volunteers at the hospitals and to be able to have these events often enough to reach patients when they need to go. Thank you to all the people who volunteered!
 



American Cancer Society
Look Good Feel Better Volunteers in Training

As luck would have it, my wig friends Hans and Eivind were the teachers! I got to meet two new lovely ladies from the American Cancer Society.  I also got to see a new video they are rolling out on how to deal with weight changes and clothing, which I have struggled with. I hope that when I am better, I will be able to volunteer with the American Cancer Society. I felt good being able to give back a little bit now even while I still have cancer.

Even though the liver drama was lurking in the back of my mind, I was feeling positive and ready. I felt a bit blindsided by the platelets, but on the other hand, after the shock and anger at my own body wore off, I started to see that there was a plan for me all along.





 

Hans & Eivind

I was lucky enough to get selected to go to the Redskins All Star Survivor Celebration on Wednesday night. The nurse coordinator at Sibley reached out and let me know about it, and I got to suggest some folks to her and ACS who were also cancer patients, and one other lovely lady got in! (for privacy reasons, I will not be naming her because I did not ask. She did sign a release to the Redskins for photos, so I think that's ok till I hear otherwise.) If I had still had chemo, I might have been miserable. Instead, the event was amazing. I had so much fun I even briefly forgot I had cancer. I am so grateful for that.

 

With Tanya Snyder

The NFL's effort to raise money and awareness for breast cancer started with the Redskins. The owner's wife Tonya Snyder is a survivor. For this event in particular, seven years ago, one of the players' mom had breast cancer and he wanted a way to help folks feel pampered and honored in a way that wasn't about cancer treatment. Hearing Chris Cooley talk about his mom who was there, holding her baby granddaughter, was amazing. It was like the best pregame pep talk I could have ever imagined for fighting cancer. I wish I had a video of it.

 

Chris Cooley talking about his mama!
Best cancer pregame talk ever.

For three hours, we went from station to station with LB Adam Hayward and FB Darrel Young and several players wives and coaches wives.

Darrel Young and Adam Hayward

Ana Phillips, wife of tight end coach Wes Phillips was my buddy most of the evening, and the nicest person you could meet. I love her Dallas accent, and we confirmed the way I say "towel" aka a one syllable "tahhl" is Dallas specific where I was born. (In law school, I did get nicknamed "Dallas" because that accent comes back out and strong after more beverages than I should.) It was lovely getting to know her.

 

Ana and Wes Phillips

We ate delicious food prepared by the Redskins Chef. I had dinner with 5 year veteran long snapper Nick Sundberg, wife Flor, and rookie punter, Tress Way.

 

Nick Sundberg and Tress Way

RGIII was there in a boot but I missed getting a picture. His locker was pretty distinctive though. The guys did mention what an incredibly hard worker (obsessive) he was at rehab. I hope to bring that fire back to my recovery and comeback.

 

RGIII's Locker

The tour of the training and PT facility was amazing. I learned about all sorts of toys they have access to in order to deal with the impact of the game and recovery. Taking some of the impact off the joints is a big deal. When I asked a player if he ever feels good, he looked at me and said, "I have been playing football since I was six years old, so no." He is 30, but apparently football makes you feel double your age, so 60.  Studies have shown that being a lineman is scientifically equivalent to ramming a car head on into a wall at 23 mph, backing up, and then doing it over and over again. It made me feel empathetic, but also all the more impressed at the gladiators of this modern age.

LB #55 Adam Hayward

We got makeup done by MAC; jean fitting and free jeans from GAP, which is all Tonya Snyder personally wears; and a massage to die for from Amenity Day Spa.

Tress Way getting fake eyelashes from MAC!

We also got to try on wigs and I got a longer curly one that is gorgeous. Again, the whoosh of shock when I took my wig off, but the new wig is HOT! When I put it on, Darrel Young immediately was like, "Woo, Janae! Hey girl!" I just laughed. How awesome is that? Another survivor came up to me after the event and told me she had no idea mine was a wig, that I was a good looking bald lady, and that my new wig makes me look like Marlo Young in her earlier career. I will so take it! So, the new wig is officially named, "Marlo Janae" and Josh loves it. Free, also amazing.

Darrel Young & the "Fiona" wig, before we
discovered "Janae"
 



My new wig "Marlo Janae" looks like early career Marlo Young

Adam Hayward as a ginger.

At the end, we got not one but two huge gift bags and a cupcake... and, TWO tickets and parking pass to the game on Monday!!! We will be going on the field wearing Redskins jerseys to be the tunnel the Redskins run through. We will also be on ESPN for the 8:30pm Monday night football game. I thought I couldn't be more excited, until I called Josh. I have been so caught up in this week, I did not realize who the Redskins are playing on Monday. THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS!!!!!!! Josh and I are rabid fans. I told the ACS when I was being considered that I have been a Seahawks fan for 7 years, since I have known my husband. I do root for the Redskins locally, as long as they don't play the Seahawks. I also told them even though I was born in Dallas, I do not root for the Cowboys, so that has to count for something. (I do also cheer for the NY Giants on my brother in law's behalf. They need some help lately.) Little did I know, they were planning to give us tickets to the SEAHAWKS game. Oh my goodness, and they let me come anyway. I am even more of Redskins fan now. Josh and I had looked at tickets to this game in the preseason, before cancer, and decided it just wasn't in the budget. To be able to go now? I just cannot believe it.

  

Preview of the PINK!

I am going to have that chemo on Friday. My platelets are going to come through. I woke up with a teeny runny nose and started pounding Zicam, but I believe I will be ok. I don't expect to feel awesome on Monday, but I  plan to go to that game on whatever arsenal of drugs I need to take. I will wear that Redskins jersey with pride and in hopes it raises more awareness for breast cancer. I am hoping for an epic game, where both teams play well and there are no injuries. I will cheer for both at this game. This one time, I don't care who wins. I am also hoping that Seattle and Washington meet up for the Super Bowl, and that the Redskins have an amazing season. I just can't believe how things turned out.

 

Beyond excited!!!!!!!



Glad to have a buddy I already knew and 29 more at Monday's game!

Have your own way, Lord. Your plans are way better than mine. I am still scared for the long journey, and I was really scared yesterday before leaving the hospital.  I am still praying, but after last night, I feel like I got a sneak peek at the plan. It is going to work out. I try to focus on what is good, but it's hard. I am doing my best to trust in Him. Although there are ups and some pretty rough downs, I am so often amazed and humbled with gratitude at His plan for me and the blessings sent through others. A beautiful reminder came in from my uncle today, and I really needed it. I have always had a deep faith, but after some church drama, I never felt comfortable sharing openly. This blog has been a pretty open book, and the lessons I am learning from this experience with cancer are touching every part of my life, including my relationship with God. Sharing on this blog as I reach to deepen my Christian faith is mending some old scars that really needed to heal. For those of you out there who believe, thank you for praying for me. It means a lot.

Other really good, late breaking news - our dog Holly does NOT have cancer. Josh found a lump over the weekend, which we suspected was a fatty deposit, but I couldn't handle not knowing. I'd already made Josh get a colonoscopy. I can't handle anyone else in this house having cancer. We took her in today for a fine needle biopsy, which showed NO CANCER! Thank goodness.  

 

Holly smiling at the vet after we got her good news!