So I am pretty sure I got Aloxi for the first time as a premed during round 5. No nausea at all and only one digestive episode... until Friday at 1pm when the queasies started coming. Aloxi is a long term antiemetic (aka anti nausea) that they give via IV, and it worked amazingly for the first 42 hours post chemo. Now, in addition to bone crushing fatigue, I am miserable. I cannot complain too much. Normally my nausea lasts well into day 10 post chemo and digestive drama goes on long after that. At least I got 3 normal ish digestive days. I am just really disappointed not to feel better. And, I am disappointed that I felt deceived into thinking maybe it would just be the fatigue that was worse this round.
My dad is getting married this weekend, and I have family here I want to see! My cousin is also getting married down South, so it is a double whammy not to be able to do stuff here or there. Josh and I tried to go visit my dad's early arrival crowd tonight, and I had to stop at a gas station before deciding we needed to turn back around and go home. I rested all day and still could not function. I know he wants me to feel better, but it still kills me not to be able to be there. I show up for people. I want to be there. I want to see my siblings and my relatives. And tonight, I just couldn't.
I hate this stupid cancer. I hate feeling sick. I hate missing my friends and the gym and even work. I hate that when I cry my tears smell and taste like chemo (imagine gasoline), and I hate that that makes me want to throw up even more.
One more round. I am going to get through this. It is going to get better. It is what it is right now. I will rest. I will eat well. I will pray, and it will be however it is supposed to be. I don't have to like it to accept it. But, I am going to get through this.
Tonight, I just needed to vent.
Well imagine that.... you are human. You cry, you hurt, you get pissed and you feel sad. Good for you! Glad you vented here and we'll vent with you. It's not a sin to be real. Everything you are going through is real. We're on the outside watching. Sure we're cheering but we're not really feeling it. We know you are strong and you're gonna beat this invasion but you are human. And that's OK. We love you for all those things.
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