Acupuncture and the gym!

I listened to this NPR TED Talk Radio Hour NPR TED Talk Radio Hour show from 08/22/2014 on my commute into work this morning, and it was like a sermon that I was meant to hear.  The whole thing just touched a lot of raw places in my heart that needed speaking to and healing. Here's the description if you don't have time to download the whole thing:

We try so hard to be perfect, to never make mistakes and to avoid failure at all costs. But mistakes happen. And when they do, how do we deal with being wrong? In this episode, TED speakers look at those darker moments in our lives, and consider why sometimes we need to make mistakes and face them head on. Dr. Brian Goldman tells a profound story about the first big mistake he made in the ER, and questions medicine's culture of denial. Professor Brené Brown explains how important it is to confront shame. Also, jazz composer Stefon Harris argues that a lot of our actions are seen as mistakes only because we don't react to them appropriately. Plus, Margaret Heffernan, the former CEO of five businesses, tells the story of two unexpected collaborators, and how good disagreement is central to progress.

I still don't feel great, but I think I am managing it pretty darn well. I went to see the closer acupuncture guy. He was good. My neuropathy symptoms continue to improve, but after an hour treatment, I felt like it was about a 50% improvement, when the same prior rate of improvement would have taken 24h+ without acupuncture. We also talked supplements, and we are on the same wavelength. I go back on Thursday and I plan to keep on going back.

I also made it to the gym! I pack a bag every night but just haven't been feeling up to going by the time the end of day rolls around. Often, I leave work, drive straight home, and immediately get into bed. Today, I was on the fence about how I was feeling, but I have been really supported and encouraged by my friend Ramzi to get back in there. I went and scaled everything, but I worked out for an hour. Proud. Here was the workout. Not an easy one! If you're curious, on the required rest/work intervals, I hit 95# for 10 reps, 115 for 20, and then after 135 for 3, I dropped to 95 again for the remaining 27, finishing right at 4m even. Easy row pace for 821m in 4m following.

At the gym, since it was 90 degrees in DC today, I took the wig off and worked out in my kiwi fuzz baldness. People were totally cool about it. 

I have also decided I am rebaselining everything. So really, this is just an opportunity to hit a cancer PR everytime I go. I am going to try to prioritize the quality of my movement over weighted,  reps and numbers. "Quality PRs" where the weight is the same but the form is better, that's a thing too.  Jessie Albert knows all about these. It was wonderful to see people at the gym. People who knew. People who didn't know. I was grateful just to move and reconnect. I am finally ok with not pushing it to a redline everytime I go in. (This is CrossFit, it's what we do. It's called high intensity for a reason. But whatever.) It was a victory to go. It was a victory to make it through class. I am pleased. I may have to think a bit more about my anti nausea med timing for when I go to class (I felt the dizzy yuckiness creeping back in and had to leave after class earlier than I wanted to.), but I have a foothold here again. All I want to do is claw my way back up this cliff.

Sometimes I wonder if what I am going through is just too hard for some people ro even hear. When people ask how I am doing, I don't say good/fine/ok. I say, "Well, I am here." The fact I can do any of it is a good thing, but it's still hard as hell and I really don't feel "good." I mean, good compared to what? Not vomiting multiple times a day? Not being in the ER? Not being so tired I end up in bed for a whole day/weekend? Yes, I am better than that, but I really feel like people just can't even conceive what it's like. I certainly had no idea before this. And if they do, well, what do they even say to that? There is no right thing to say. My "I am here" is a shorthand for acknowledging that chemo is not exactly a trip to the spa, but I am staying positive, and on the relative scale, yeah, I am better. Details are only a question away.

Onward.