Just telling family has already been emotionally exhausting. Everytime I say the words, "I have cancer," my heart breaks at even hearing the sound. There are so many people I know who want to help me, support me, and love me through this process. In a sense, we will all travel this journey together, and I want to let people in and be there for me, to share updates and news, and to crowdsource some of the hardest decisions I will face in my life - about choosing a breast cancer care team, treatment options, and survivor support approaches.
Three weeks ago, I was doing a self exam, which I infrequently do and stopped doing as regularly after the AMA changed and recommended against it (kind of angry about this, since maybe I would have caught it earlier had I continued). I felt a lump and upon further inspection noted that it did not have smooth borders like a muscle knot or cyst. I waited till after my period to see if that would change or go away, but it did not. In high school, I thought I would go to medical school, but for various reasons I ended up being a lawyer. I interned with a pathologist at a women and children's hospital. Dr. Tucker once said that the five deadliest words in the English language are "Maybe it will go away." Those words came back to me from my past ringing strong and clear as a bell. I scheduled a physical with my general physician since I was due for one anyway. She felt the lump too and ordered a breast ultrasound.
The rest of the details are in the message below I sent my immediate family on Friday night... before spending the rest of the evening drinking a bottle of wine and just crying my heart out with my husband. I am 32, married to a loving husband, and we hope to have children someday. I am also an avid CrossFitter and coach with so many goals and dreams, with working out as my main source of stress relief. It terrifies me that this diagnosis will change my everyday life forever, although I want to keep things normal as much as possible, as long as possible, without neglecting what I need to do to beat this. Yesterday, I went to brunch with friends and tried to deal with the reverberations of stress that had been building for weeks but hit me like an emotional tsunami with that one phone call on Friday afternoon. I have done some research, but mostly, I am still just trying to breathe.
I don't know what I'll do with this blog yet, but for the ripples of folks across my social support network and those of my loved ones, hopefully this will allow me to reach out and share more with you all, without having to break my own heart over and over again everytime I say those horrible words that I never thought I would have to say. Thank you for your understanding in allowing me to share this journey with you in this way.
Here's the email I sent Friday night:
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Dear family,
I talked with all of you tonight. While my heart is heavy with the thought of the path before me, I am a fighter and I am a survivor. I will conquer this like anything else. I wish I had been dealt a better hand, but I will play the hand I've been dealt.
I have invasive ductal carcinoma and ductal carcinoma in situ. Cells are
intermediate grade. Pathology reports both estrogen and progesterone positive receptors, which is a good thing because I am more likely to respond to hormonal therapy. The mass is 2.7 cm at 11 o clock in the upper outer quadrant near my right arm pit. 2.7 cm is close to a walnut but smaller than a lime. The borders are not well circumscribed, which is bad. On the other hand, the mass is far from the chest wall and does not indicate at this point that it has invaded other tissue or my lymph nodes. I found it through a self exam, scheduled a physical with my GP, was referred for an ultrasound and ended up having that and a mammogram. They ordered a biopsy, which I had on Wednesday. The pathology results came back this evening. I called my GP and left a message and called radiology and requested my film and records.
My next step is a breast MRI and a consultation with a breast surgeon. A breast MRI will look at both breasts to see if the cancer is only in the right or both and if the lymph nodes or other tissues are affected. The breast surgeon will recommend a lumpectomy or mastectomy. Radiation is highly likely, but chemo depends on whether it has spread. It doesn't look like that now but we literally may not know till surgery.
I want the best care possible. I am already emotionally exhausted from just telling folks, but I start researching more tomorrow. I want to preserve my fertility options. Josh and I want a family someday.
I want both Western and Eastern medicine to contribute to the best care possible. Anything that is backed by science is fair game.
I want to consider the chance of recurrence/longterm prognosis, fertility, length of recovery, and best cosmetic result in selecting a surgery option.
I am committed to beating this aggressively and quickly. The pain scares me though.
Mentally, things are rough, which is to be expected. I feel deep sadness, grief, and anxiety about the path ahead. I also feel pride in my health choices, that I found this and did what I needed to do. I also feel deep gratitude for the love and support you have already showed me. I know there are others I need to call who are ready and waiting to help, but I am too exhausted for this evening.
I love you all so much. Already, when I look at my life I can see I have lived hard, but maybe not well. I have done much, tried hard, and worked my ass off. At the end of the day, it is people who matter to me. I love you, deeply, with all my heart, even when I wasn't there. If anything, the gift of this experience / lesson I am supposed to learn is how much time with family matters. I miss you and I want to see each of you more.
I fully expect the next few weeks and months to suck, but I will conquer it all. With you by my side, I feel invincible. A call, a text, an email, your positive thoughts... all that will help support me. No gesture is too small. I will try to keep you informed of what I know. Please feel free to forward to others who can help me or who will love and support you as you travel this journey with me.
Tomorrow the fight continues, with research. I love you all.
Thank you,
Allison
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