Feeling incredibly blessed and grateful

I was wildly productive today. Lots of good things happened. Digestive issues are back (though maybe it was the salad bar?), and I am running a teeny mild fever at 99.7 with flushing, but today was just so good I couldn't be bothered with feeling bad. Mostly, I just felt incredibly, overwhelmingly blessed and grateful.

I signed over and mailed a $2015 check from insurance for a bill for $6871, but negotiated so they agreed to take just the insurance check as payment in full. That felt AWESOME. What a relief. There are still more bills that come in every day, but we have now hit our catastrophic cap on both Blue Cross and Tricare for eligible expenses, so hopefully it will be a little less crazy, at least till we start over again Dec. 31. That's when we get to work hitting catastrophic caps again for 2015, which is expected quickly with all my treatment.

I feel really lucky to have the insurance coverage I do, even though being sick seems unfairly expensive at all.  I am incredibly grateful for Josh's military Tricare insurance as secondary. I also feel lucky to be a federal employee and to have been so healthy earlier in my career. We don't get short term disability as feds, so accumulated sick leave is all I have. Since my journey began, I have used 209 hours of sick leave. Granted, I earned it, but I also am now lucky enough to have it to use. I ran the numbers today. Right now it looks like I will have enough sick leave and/or annual (vacation) leave to get through all this over the next year, fingers crossed for no more complications.

We are keeping crazy records for taxes and now have a separate bank account for medical expenses only to help keep things straight. It has been a ton to organize and pursue, but I feel like I can see a way through. I'm still waiting on getting reimbursed for various things, from wigs to medicine, which we had to pay out of pocket, but a lot of the paperwork is now in. I have a mountain of receipts that I got organized this evening, and I am sending it in tomorrow to close out the flexible spending account tomorrow for the year. Especially with having to take a leave of absence from CrossFit coaching, we are stretching and cutting, but making it work.

There are lots of other odds and ends as well as other positive sources of support coming in. Before all this, I often made charitable donations to various causes, races, friends' events, schools and charities, sometimes at random and sometimes because I had a personal connection. It was just something I did and hoped that helped. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't realize it could be a big deal, especially emotionally.  I also never thought I would have reason to be a beneficiary. My, how that has changed.

My wonderful family in fitness and health at Balance Gym and CrossFit Balance is hosting this fundraising workout event for me on Sunday. I am so excited to see folks and say hello. The best part of Balance is that it's just a way of helping show they care. I am super pumped to be well enough at this point in my chemo cycle to go. I feel loved already.

A Balance friend also put me in touch with a local charity, the Chris Delinski Memorial Cancer Fund, which has also agreed to provide support.

My sweet cousin in law Taylor is fundraising in Knoxville for me as part of Race for the Cure October 18. (She is also a Simply Aroma consultant, so if you feel like upping your organic, centered, health quotient, check out her store here.)

Earlier, Walgreens actually donated all the drugs for my oncofertility process. Didn't make the procedure overall free/cheap, but it really did help a huge amount. I love the American Cancer Society Look Good Feel Better products. I would be at a total loss without that critical, donated eyebrow pencil! Also, once a month, Merry Maids comes to help clean our house. A jiujitsu buddy of Josh's came by to cook breakfast on a weekend, and another dear friend dropped everything one day when the dogs decided to take an unescorted adventure around the neighborhood as rush hour traffic started picking up. Just a few examples. I don't always know what I need, but I know I couldn't do it all by myself. Every bit of help and support, physical, financial, emotional, and positive vibe into the ether helps. People are so good. How did I not see this so clearly before?

Learning to ask for help and even letting people know when things are rough has been an incredible change for me. I have had to let myself be humbled and vulnerable in ways I thought I never could allow. I used to think that if I didn't plan it, control it, and do it myself, I would fail, and fail alone, probably with the judgment of others on top. And maybe I would have still ended up like that, if this journey hadn't been an opportunity to radically change my way of being, one that I am still growing into. But, I like where things are headed.

Rather than falling, people have only lifted me up in whatever beautiful way a given moment might allow. Today, my heart feels stronger than it ever has, even though my body is still a bit weak and struggling. I haven't hit rock bottom. I am going to be ok, not because of me or the way I planned things out or how I tried to control things, but because other people lifted me up and made me better.

THANK YOU.

(I actually have even more good news from the radiation oncologist, but I am going to try to do that "slow down" thing and go to bed. More tomorrow!)

In today's photo, Emma says hi from under the morning's blankets. It is starting to be cold enough at night that maybe we will switch on heat soon. I love fall weather though, and I love that she climbs in to be inside spoon!