Rest & recalibration

This weekend I paused to rebalance, turn inward, and really just meditate on the lessons of this past round of chemo and how I want my life to be. I don't have all the answers, but I feel like I am on the right path.

First, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am. I have so much to be hopeful for that is good news... the chemo is working! Really friggin well! The volume of tissue my surgeon believes will have to be removed was what I was told (by more than one surgeon) in the very beginning that would be the smallest I could hope for at the end. My oncologist thinks we are still on a good trajectory for a complete pathological response, though nothing is guaranteed. I have a tentative surgery date on Tuesday, Nov. 11, Veterans Day and a Federal Holiday. I was also able to cross the mastectomy off the list, since hearing the BRAVA and full fat grafting apparently doesn't turn out so lovely all the time. I have appointments with the plastic surgeon and two radiologists to figure the last bits out. I am back in with my original acupuncturist, and I really do believe his knowledge and skill is worth the extra effort of going there versus elsewhere. My medical team is smart, caring, well prepared, and they are doing a really good job. I feel like I owe my medical oncologist and her team special kudos since they have been doing the hard work in this business up till now. Shy of not having cancer, or having a complete pathological response already (unheard of), things in terms of getting rid of this cancer could not be going better.

I remain worried about the liver, platelets and neuropathy, but I can do stuff different to help that. I will rest, drink water, go to acupuncture, and meditate. Instead of a turbo charged "go-go-go-do-do-do," because that is what I like, am accustomed to, and am good at; I will try to just "go-go... do-do."

30% of patients experience a delay in chemo treatment- I didn't have that, I just had a reduction in one drug. After each treatment, to me, it feels to me like being repeatedly stabbed in my chest as those tumor cells die. I don't feel quite the same pain this round, but there is still a tightening, quivering, and shuddering that makes me feel like it is still doing something. I will take it. I have been having annoying eye twitches and painful extended foot cramps, but only nausea and no vomiting or other digestive horrors. I am exhausted, but also moving. I went to work, and granted, I got in bed right when I got home, but I still went and am still doing stuff. I want to be back on track for full doses on schedule for the next round, Oct. 1! That will be round 5/6 of the Horrible Cocktail, with that last one on Oct. 22. I will be done with chemo before my 33rd birthday on Nov. 2.

The wake up call from this past round was that being the old me is bad for my health... and I have to figure out a totally new way to live. All the crazy things I am really good at (pushing through, overcoming, denying the costs) might well be what got me sick in the first place. I am grateful to be learning this lesson now, rather than going back to old ways and waiting for news of a recurrence years from now.

I don't think we know exactly what causes cancer, but I do believe that cancer is caused. Whatever combination of things that led me to this point in my life, those conditions simply must change if I realistically want to live healthfully and without recurrence for the next 50/60/70+ years.

Normally, I crush my problems. I assault them with effort. I am exceptionally talented at overcompensating in one area, and denying/delaying my needs to still reach a goal. No longer.

Now, I need to rest, be more mindful, accept and flow - not push, strive, dominate, control. In a sense, aim to cultivate a more peaceful, accepting, reflective, flourishing approach to life. Crushing naps and PR-ing relaxation totally misses the point; I can't approach this like I would have in the past.

The Taoist concept of wu wei resonated with me this weekend, as well as many highlights from this article. As I realized my emotions were driven by fear and desparately wanting to control the outcome of all of this, I was profoundly reminded that I am not in charge. I found myself thinking of or humming hymns from my childhood, this one and this one in particular. Rest serves a spiritual purpose, which I have neglected. I am (begrudgingly) resigned to my lack of ability to control how this turns out, but having submitted that, the despair I felt this weekend is starting to drift into a peaceful acceptance along with a new curiosity and openess about how to live for the future. Maybe I just needed that.